New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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