Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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