i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
