ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
