yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
