Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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