At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
