I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
