we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
