I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
