Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
