i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
