It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
