I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
