Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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