On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
