you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
