i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
