it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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