My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He shit in the fireplace
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize