the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
