i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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