Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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