I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
