I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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