so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
