I smell stomach acid.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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