His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
