I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
