Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the condom got lost in my hair
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
