even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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