I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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