I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
