im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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