I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
