No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
