i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize