Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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