he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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