i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
