Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize