M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
