im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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