I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
