I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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