i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
