Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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