I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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