I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
