we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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