My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
