Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize