you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
