I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
