I think I died a long time ago.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize