I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
