just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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