Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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