I just threw up on my dentist
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
