We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
