i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
