why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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